She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
