Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
