I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
