You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
