The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
