Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
