either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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