Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
