Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
