Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
