Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
