i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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