My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
don't judge my taste in strippers
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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