What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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