Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
