Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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