A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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