The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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