Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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