and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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