Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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