I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
