Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
