Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
