in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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