Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
