A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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