i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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