i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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