We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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