your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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