When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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