I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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