apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
