life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
