After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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