thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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