The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize