Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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