So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
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The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
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I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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