I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
