and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
