I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
