I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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