I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
