In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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