we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
