i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
