Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
