I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
