i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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