jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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