apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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