I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize