I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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