Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
