Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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